here i am in my room, as usual, blocking my ears from all other unnecessary annoying noises out there. and as usual again, that momster has been nagging non-stop. *sigh*
it has been a long tiring day for me, and the thing that im asking for is that you not adding on to it th moment you see me. Please Please Please dont drown me with ALL the bills and financial issues at one go. please nag at sis if you're unhappy with her, not me. There's no point you nagging at me if you're angry at her, so please. Why do I always have to be the one in the middle. momster not happy with sis, nag at me. sis not happy at momster, i'll be the victim. im tired. waayy too tired and exhausted that i cry just because i miss sis&daddy. I thought i was growing stronger each day, but instead i feel weaker and dragging myself everywhere i go, even to talk.

Migrain's been visiting me nowadays, back's aching like nobody's business and so is my knee, breathing gets much harder, and the worst, mass pimple break-out. what more? i dont know. just wait and see.

*random rantings*
Sometimes i just dont know if i should just remain quiet, like how i have always been & you telling everyone that im too quiet, or i dont know how to talk, yadayada. OR should i tell you what is going through my head and at the same time my words might just hurt you or you're sure to be against what i said. To retaliate back is definitely not me, but sometimes i have to just to wake you up at the times that you are waayyy too much.
Again i say, dont compare me with sis. We are 10, T-E-N, years apart dear mother. During her time and my time now is completely different. Almost everything is different now. Not just that, the both of us are total opposite. Sis will argue back with you, i'll keep myself shut. She is like you, I am like daddy. Sis got the brains, you know well, im very very much slower. There're much more if i were to list them down. But in short, i can tell you sis is much better than me. But that doesnt mean that you put a very low expectations on me? I know the truth mother, you never did expect me to enter poly do you? I know you were preparing yourself because back in your mind you think that i will not do my O-lvls well or even not passing it. but why? where is your support and strength all this while?
having a good relationship with a mother, is what i've always wanted and dreamed of. Being able to talk about almost anything, sharing thoughts, but thats just not the situation now. I cant even share what i think with you, you're sure to make a big fuss out of it. Even talking about school, th moment i say im tired or school's getting tough, you thought i want to quit school. What is wrong with your thinking?
You make me miss daddy, you make me miss sis. Even you said, i was a daddy's little princess. I had all the love daddy could give. I had all the fun times i could have spending with a sis, having the same interest. Not having them around, especially daddy, is super tough. There isnt anyone to control you, meaning you are out of control which you resulted in controlling other people's life, telling them what they should do or not. Cant you just let them be like that? Oh dear.

Its difficult for someone who bottle up everything to themselves and just errupt one day, like me. But the thing is that, even when im already erupting, i still hide those silent tears to myself. and only people who knows something's not right will ask about it. thats when the real erruption comes out.
There are more things to say, but i shall just keep it for when the time is right.
Kak Di, was right when she says i have alot of internal anger eventhough she was just chatting with me on MSN.
Yes, i do and this is just one part of it.

goodnight.
misses&loves,
IN.